Good Grief

By now you have realized that on May 21, 2010 I SURVIVED a heart attack.  Most people would think that to be a marvelous, wonderful thing to survive.  I thanked God that I was alive to continue to raise my children, live out my days with my husband, further my education and just be here altogether.  However, those feelings soon went away and Depressions ugly little head reared.  What did I have to feel bad about? Why would I be depressed after surviving? How could I be so ungrateful? What was wrong with me?  All these questions and more swelled my head, tears burned my blood shot eyes, I wanted to DIE, I literally wanted to die and my husband could not understand why....I couldn't understand why.  I couldn't understand Why I survived at all.  All I knew was the old Angel was gone, all those things that defined me would NO longer define me, who would I be? Who was I right now in this moment?  What do I like to do now? How will I cope? Why did God hate me so much? You see, rather than focusing on His love and the fact that HE carried me through, I only saw that HE MUST be punishing me for smoking, being fat, whatever my problems were, I was now being punished, there WAS NO other reasoning behind what I was going through.  Then guilt would set in, I didn't have Cancer, like my brother who must endure chemo.  In fact, I was given a 2nd chance at life, a chance to make changes, raise awareness and be a productive individual in life. Although I have not recovered 100% emotionally since my heart attack and I still have outbursts, and bouts of depression, however, I have made a change.  I have become active with the American Heart Association, telling everyone my story, writing my congressmen and now creating blogs!  I am trying to channel my energy into something positive by not only creating awareness, but by sharing my story so that others can relate. If my blogs help just one person cope, realize they need to seek medical attention, anything, than my heart attack was NOT for nothing.  I hope to help save lives by sharing my experiences.